Boulder Counselor and Therapist | David Robbins, MA, LPC

In the course of my work doing couples therapy and in my own committed relationship, I’ve noticed one of the biggest challenges is communicating honestly, with compassion and empathy. The Mindful Couples Dialogue, offered here, is a way of approaching difficulties around conscious communication.

With our romantic partners, we often get caught in habitual ways of communicating. You may find yourself avoiding certain topics that you fear may cause conflict, or withholding information that may be emotionally charged or challenge our view of what our partner can ‘handle.’

It is true that relationships bring up our biggest fears, vulnerabilities and insecurities. Your partner may have a reaction to what you want to communicate or share about. It is, however, important to enter into dialogue that may be challenging to one or both of you, as really hearing, understanding, and empathizing with each other has the potential for great healing. This is a wonderful opportunity that romantic relationship offers us.

Our habitual communications with our partner often feel dry, rehearsed and without vitality. This is the case with anything routine and habitual. I am going to suggest here a new framework for interacting that will allow and your partner to interact with more presence and authenticity.

Identify an Issue

One helpful way to identify an issue is to ask your self: What in this relationship or within myself feels unfinished or unresolved?

Then close your eyes and allow that question to fall away. Be aware of the thoughts and feelings that arise. There may be something, a situation or a feeling, or a pattern that has been re-occurring in our lives – something that comes up in our thoughts, perhaps accompanied by fear or anxiety.

Give this issue a name. Perhaps jot down the thoughts and feelings that arose from this exercise.

Make an Appointment
The next step is to make a time with your partner to talk about this unfinished and unresolved issue. Allowing a time when you two have an hour or 2 discuss it. It is best to do this at a time when you both can make your best effort to be present and unpressured by other obligations.

You may bring this up with your partner by saying: ‘There is something important I’d like to talk with you about, can we figure out a time to sit down and spend some time discussing this?’ or present it in whatever what feels comfortable to you.

The Dialogue
In this format of communicating mindfully we will give up the usual tennis match style of communication that happens, particularly around emotionally reactive or conflictual issues. I will ask you instead to have one of your be the sender and one to be the receiver.

The Sender
The sender’s job is to communicate in a non-judgmental way about the issue that they identified in step one. To this end we will not use statements like ‘You make me feel so angry when you…’ and instead own our own feelings our own reactions. The formula for this would be to state things in this format:

I feel _________ when you ____________(fill in the behavior here).

An example: I feel angry and hurt when you come home late from work without calling to let me know.

This type of a statement will diffuse much of the defensiveness that gets in the way of our partner really hearing and understanding how we feel. The golden rule here is to talk about your feelings and reactions using I-statements. Also, to talk about behavior without judging or blaming your partner.

It is important to specifically label behavior. We would not want to say ‘I feel resentful and hurt when you you act like a jerk.’ Instead we would label the behavior that we react to. ‘I feel resentful and hurt when you won’t answer my questions and ignore me.’

I would then expand on this to include anything that comes up for you in the moment perhaps: ‘When you ignore me and don’t answer my questions it reminds me of when my Mom gave me the silent treatment when I was a kid. I felt so sad and powerless when she did that.’

It is important to pause between each statement and take a breath, allowing whatever needs to to arise. And communicate what you are feeling and what comes up for you in this non-judgmental way.

Only say a few sentences at a time, as your partner (the receiver will be reflecting back what you have said.)

The Receiver
While the sender is speaking, the receiver will be doing reflective listening. This will be difficult as all sorts of feelings and thoughts will be coming up in reaction to what our partner is saying. Our main job here is to put our feelings and thoughts ‘on the shelf.’ You might envision putting all ‘your stuff’ on a shelf or in a container and you will get your chance to share.

For the moment I want you (as the receiver) to listen to what your partner is saying and try to understand what they are saying. After a few sentences you will then paraphrase or reflect what they have said using your own words. It is helpful to imagine walking in your partners shoes – and expressing to them what you imagine it must of felt like to them.

For example:

‘I hear you saying that when I don’t answer your questions and you think I’m ignoring you that you feel hurt and resentful. This reminds you of when you were a kid and your Mom gave you the silent treatment. That must have been really awful for you to feel so sad and powerless. Is that right?’

Every so often ask the sender if there is more, or if you got that right. The sender can then correct the receiver if they didn’t feel they understood correctly. The goal here is to hear and understand your partner, so try to refrain from defensiveness or reaction if your partner corrects you.

You should proceed in this way, with the sender continuing to share and the receiver continuing with reflective listening – showing understanding and empathy.

Switching Roles
After a certain amount of time the Sender will feel that they have been heard and understood. The sender should let the receiver know that they feel finished. At this point, the sender and receiver will switch roles.

It is important to take a few breaths in between switching roles just to come back to yourself, to touch your thoughts and feelings. Now the receiver is the sender and you can take your thoughts and feelings off the shelf. It is your turn to speak and be heard and understood by your partner. You may notice that what you thought and felt before the dialogue has shifted and changed. Speak from what is true for you in the present. What you are thinking and feeling now?

You should then proceed until your partner feels complete as the sender.

This process fosters a sense of in the moment communication, as we pause and let the partner reflect back to us, more may arise or we may get the sense of being understood on a deeper level. Often we are so busy in emotionally reactive dialogues and arguments preparing our defense or our new attack that we never really hear or acknowledge what our partner is saying. This process of speaking one at a time, and listening and reflecting bypasses this tennis match style of communication. Give this a try – practice makes perfect!

Often the most challenging part of this is thinking and crafting our words to remove blame and just identify our reactions and the behavior that may have trigger them. Remember, no one ‘makes us’ feel a certain way. One partner behaves, the other reacts. We each own our own feelings and have to take responsibility for them.

The job of the receiver is also difficult to remain calm and open despite feeling reactive to what the sender is saying. Just remind yourself that you will get your turn and try to really hear and open to what your partner (the sender is saying).

This exercise can be a profound paradigm shift when it comes to communicating with your partner. I often suggest that the first dialogue that a couple attempts in this way be for an issue that is about a 4 or 5 in intensity (with 1 being the least intense and 10 being the most intense and conflictual issue). In other words, start with something small to practice with and work from there to the bigger and more emotionally reactive issues.

Best Wishes,

David

In the swirl of stimuli and the 150 mph culture that we live in we often lose track of our body. It takes both effort and intention to be in the present and one of the easiest ways to access this is through our physical body. I like to check in with myself several times a day and ask myself this question:

Where are my feet?

I then feel deeply into my feet, feeling the sensations and or numbness that is there, hot/cold, tingly, etc. Just noticing whatever is going on there. What are they in contact with? The floor? Am I sitting cross legged? What is that like? You may find that it is difficult to be in your feet for more than a few seconds…just notice this and return to the feet. Feeling our body and making a relationship with it is one of the most profound types of mindfulness practice. I find that even doing this exercise for a few seconds increases my sense of presence, mindfulness, and increases grounding and relaxation.

This is an easy way to integrate some mindfulnes practice into your everyday life and give your mind and body a brief respite from the assault of stimulation.

Be well,

David

On this eve of the new year I’ve been thinking about intention. It is the tradition for many to set resolutions for the new year, which sounds a lot like goals – it seems like a bit of a set up for self-criticism and self-judgment if we fail to meet our often lofty (but well intentioned goals for ourselves). I know it has been for me in the past.  I like to approach a big transition like the beginning of 2009 with an intention or a set of intentions.  I define intention as a continuity of attention and energy that underlie both  inner and external manifestation and change.  This is differentiated from a goal or resolution as these predict a hard and fast, usually very solid outcome.  Our intention is more of an impulse that can guide action and behavior, though we don’t know exactly what the outcome will be….

There is no way we can fail at this.  We may forget our intention sometimes, but we can renew it at any time by coming back to it over and over again.  One of my intentions for the new year is to nurture and appreciate the many relationships in my life – with friends, family, loved ones, pets, and clients.  Basically with all the wonderful people in my life who share their generosity and big spirit with me.  I’m sure there will be days where I am engrossed in some intense situation with my work or personal life and I will neglect or take for granted certain relationships.  These kinds of days and situations happen.  I will just come back to the intention again, no need for judgment or self-flagellation, just reminding myself that in each moment I am empowered to change my intention redirect my awareness and energy and influence what and how my life manifests – in this case how I approach the relationships in my life.

We can use our intention as a kind of mindfulness practice – we come back to it again and again, if we forget we eventually wake up to our intentions and begin to let them filter back into our life through our feelings and thoughts and actions.  As we find we are distracted, we wake up again and again coming back to our conscious intentions.

As an aid to remembering,  I like to write down  my intention(s) in big letters on a piece of paper and post them somewhere I will see them every day as an aid to coming back and waking up to my intentions.

May you be blessed with contentment, peace, and courage in the coming new year.