David S. Robbins, MA ~ Counselor and Psychotherapist

Most of us at some level assume or believe that we ’should’ feel joyful. On the other side of this we probably believe that we ’should not’ feel fearful. I am most interested when talking about feelings or emotions, such as joy or fear, in looking at the bodily sensations that make up this feeling in the body. You might experiment with this by recalling a time when you felt joyful. Bringing this memory in all its technicolor detail into your mind. Then drop into your body, particularly paying attention to the jaw, throat, chest, stomach, pelvis and notice what sensations are occurring. For me it is expansion in the chest a freedom and looseness in the jaw and throat – that is what I notice most. What do you notice most? Identify that – this is your body’s experience of joy – this i what the mind categorizes as joy when it occurs in the body.

We can do the same with fear. Bring up a memory in which you experienced a fearful time. Again noticing the body – I feel tension in the jaw and a general sense of constriction and tension in my chest and stomach. Notice what your experience is in the body.

Our ‘normal’ or homeostatic state is most likely mid way between these two extreme poles of feeling/emotion. As dynamic beings we need to understand we may move through these sensations, but they will arise and fall away, leaving us somewhere in the middle. We can welcome both of thes states and the dynamic rising and falling, contraction and release, of bodily sensations that leads us there. We don’t really need to strive for either state and we will experience both, if we allow the full spectrum of these sensations. Giving ourselves the permission to feel both poles of emotion and to let go of striving for any idealized state is the key.

Pema Chodron, a revered teacher in the Shambhala Buddhist tradition refers to this as letting in all unwanted guests (and the wanted ones such as joy, happiness, hope, etc.) In the end it is just our experience, our life – by allowing joy we allow fear and by allowing fear we allow a full experience of joy.

A distilled message from Buddhism that is also shared by psychotherapy is that one must put your self before others. In our culture, we are spread so thin and are moving so fast, this message may seem decadent, impossible, or just plain selfish. I am writing to give you permission to give yourself something every day. I don’t mean a big mac, or a new purchase, but something that feels like love. I am suggesting time – time for exercise, time for meditation, time for therapy, time for a hot bath, time for a massage, time to prepare yourself a meal, or to write in your journal, perhaps even time to just take some deep breaths. This something that puts you back inside yourself ~ that grounds you in a state of well being, makes you feel real. The greatest gift you can give to yourself is just being with yourself, even if it is only for 5 or 10 minutes. So take some time out and put yourself first. Even a small investment in this way will pay itself forward to all of the people in your life who will profit from your increased sense of well being, in the way you interact, your attitude, your attention, and your compassion. It is impossible to have these qualities in relationship to others if we don’t first demonstrate them towards our selves.

Try it out, set aside 10 minutes a day of me time. I practice this by doing a sitting meditation every morning, no matter what is in store for me that particular day, even if it means getting up earlier or going to bed later. For me there is no compromise here, and every day is reflected in a more sane and less distorted way by this routine commitment.

This video from Shinzen Young, who has been an influential teacher in my meditation practice, demonstrates some of the insights he derived from his meditation practice early on, that he found profound and beneficial. This is a powerful commentary on the healing benefits of mindfulness meditation.

With our romantic partners, we often get caught in habitual ways of communicating. You may find yourself avoiding certain topics that you fear may cause conflict, or withholding information that may be emotionally charged or challenge our view of what our partner can ‘handle.’

It is true that relationships bring up our biggest fears, vulnerabilities and insecurities. Your partner may have a reaction to what you want to communicate or share about. It is, however, important to enter into dialogue that may be challenging to one or both of you, as really hearing, understanding, and empathizing with each other has the potential for great healing. This is a wonderful opportunity that romantic relationship offers us.

Our habitual communications with our partner often feel dry, rehearsed and without vitality. This is the case with anything routine and habitual. I am going to suggest here a new framework for interacting that will allow and your partner to interact with more presence and authenticity.

Identify an Issue

One helpful way to identify an issue is to ask your self: What in this relationship or within myself feels unfinished or unresolved?

Then close your eyes and allow that question to fall away. Be aware of the thoughts and feelings that arise. There may be something, a situation or a feeling, or a pattern that has been re-occurring in our lives – something that comes up in our thoughts, perhaps accompanied by fear or anxiety.

Give this issue a name. Perhaps jot down the thoughts and feelings that arose from this exercise.

Make an Appointment
The next step is to make a time with your partner to talk about this unfinished and unresolved issue. Allowing a time when you two have an hour or 2 discuss it. It is best to do this at a time when you both can make your best effort to be present and unpressured by other obligations.

You may bring this up with your partner by saying: ‘There is something important I’d like to talk with you about, can we figure out a time to sit down and spend some time discussing this?’ or present it in whatever what feels comfortable to you.

The Dialogue
In this format of communicating mindfully we will give up the usual tennis match style of communication that happens, particularly around emotionally reactive or conflictual issues. I will ask you instead to have one of your be the sender and one to be the receiver.

The Sender
The sender’s job is to communicate in a non-judgmental way about the issue that they identified in step one. To this end we will not use statements like ‘You make me feel so angry when you…’ and instead own our own feelings our own reactions. The formula for this would be to state things in this format:

I feel _________ when you ____________(fill in the behavior here).

An example: I feel angry and hurt when you come home late from work without calling to let me know.

This type of a statement will diffuse much of the defensiveness that gets in the way of our partner really hearing and understanding how we feel. The golden rule here is to talk about your feelings and reactions using I-statements. Also, to talk about behavior without judging or blaming your partner.

It is important to specifically label behavior. We would not want to say ‘I feel resentful and hurt when you you act like a jerk.’ Instead we would label the behavior that we react to. ‘I feel resentful and hurt when you won’t answer my questions and ignore me.’

I would then expand on this to include anything that comes up for you in the moment perhaps: ‘When you ignore me and don’t answer my questions it reminds me of when my Mom gave me the silent treatment when I was a kid. I felt so sad and powerless when she did that.’

It is important to pause between each statement and take a breath, allowing whatever needs to to arise. And communicate what you are feeling and what comes up for you in this non-judgmental way.

Only say a few sentences at a time, as your partner (the receiver will be reflecting back what you have said.)

The Receiver
While the sender is speaking, the receiver will be doing reflective listening. This will be difficult as all sorts of feelings and thoughts will be coming up in reaction to what our partner is saying. Our main job here is to put our feelings and thoughts ‘on the shelf.’ You might envision putting all ‘your stuff’ on a shelf or in a container and you will get your chance to share.

For the moment I want you (as the receiver) to listen to what your partner is saying and try to understand what they are saying. After a few sentences you will then paraphrase or reflect what they have said using your own words. It is helpful to imagine walking in your partners shoes – and expressing to them what you imagine it must of felt like to them.

For example:

‘I hear you saying that when I don’t answer your questions and you think I’m ignoring you that you feel hurt and resentful. This reminds you of when you were a kid and your Mom gave you the silent treatment. That must have been really awful for you to feel so sad and powerless. Is that right?’

Every so often ask the sender if there is more, or if you got that right. The sender can then correct the receiver if they didn’t feel they understood correctly. The goal here is to hear and understand your partner, so try to refrain from defensiveness or reaction if your partner corrects you.

You should proceed in this way, with the sender continuing to share and the receiver continuing with reflective listening – showing understanding and empathy.

Switching Roles
After a certain amount of time the Sender will feel that they have been heard and understood. The sender should let the receiver know that they feel finished. At this point, the sender and receiver will switch roles.

It is important to take a few breaths in between switching roles just to come back to yourself, to touch your thoughts and feelings. Now the receiver is the sender and you can take your thoughts and feelings off the shelf. It is your turn to speak and be heard and understood by your partner. You may notice that what you thought and felt before the dialogue has shifted and changed. Speak from what is true for you in the present. What you are thinking and feeling now?

You should then proceed until your partner feels complete as the sender.

This process fosters a sense of in the moment communication, as we pause and let the partner reflect back to us, more may arise or we may get the sense of being understood on a deeper level. Often we are so busy in emotionally reactive dialogues and arguments preparing our defense or our new attack that we never really hear or acknowledge what our partner is saying. This process of speaking one at a time, and listening and reflecting bypasses this tennis match style of communication. Give this a try – practice makes perfect!

Often the most challenging part of this is thinking and crafting our words to remove blame and just identify our reactions and the behavior that may have trigger them. Remember, no one ‘makes us’ feel a certain way. One partner behaves, the other reacts. We each own our own feelings and have to take responsibility for them.

The job of the receiver is also difficult to remain calm and open despite feeling reactive to what the sender is saying. Just remind yourself that you will get your turn and try to really hear and open to what your partner (the sender is saying).

This exercise can be a profound paradigm shift when it comes to communicating with your partner. I often suggest that the first dialogue that a couple attempts in this way be for an issue that is about a 4 or 5 in intensity (with 1 being the least intense and 10 being the most intense and conflictual issue). In other words, start with something small to practice with and work from there to the bigger and more emotionally reactive issues.

Best Wishes,

David

Having the blues for a few days at a time is normal. Usually these feelings are temporary and will pass after a few days. If you experience low mood, sadness, and hopeless for weeks, or even months at a time, there is a good possibility you are dealing with depression.

Some of the common signs/symptoms of depression are:

* Persistent sad, anxious or “empty” feelings
* Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
* Feelings of guilt, worthlessness and/or helplessness
* Irritability, restlessness
* Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
* Fatigue and decreased energy
* Difficulty concentrating, remembering details and making decisions
* Insomnia, early–morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
* Overeating, or appetite loss
* Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
* Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

If you are experiencing these symptoms, over the period of two weeks or more, it would be a good idea to see a counselor or mental health professional. Medication can be a very valuable part of treatment for depression, but studies show that the most effective outcomes for those suffering with depression come with the use of counseling and medication. Counseling has also been shown to be at least as effective, or in some cases more effective than medication alone.

Often, when we are depressed we have lost touch with our inner world. We have numbed out and are wrapped up in ruminations, or persistent thoughts that often have a flavor of despair, desperation, and hopelessness. We often feel lethargic and heavy in our bodies, without much energy.

Despite this lethargy and exhaustion, getting out of the house and moving can often be one of the most effective forms of treatment for a depressive state or low mood. I often recommend 3-5 days a week of a half hour of aerobic exercise, such as jogging, or a vigorous walk. Even a short walk can make steps towards elevating our mood.

When I work with clients who feel depressed, I stress the movement away from the hopeless (and often non-stop) train of thoughts that run through one’s mind when we feel low. We cannot stop the thoughts, but we can loosen their hold on us and question our belief in the negative things that our thinking may be saying to us. If we can feel the body, we can start to dis-believe and let go of negative thinking patterns that are perpetuating depression. We can also reconnect with our body and awareness of the sensations of our body. In doing this we naturally move away from negative thoughts and energy starts moving in the body. When we begin to re-engage with our bodies we become more present in ourselves and our lives – this is a movement towards health and healing.

Below is a simple mindfulness exercise to start loosening the hold of negative thinking and re-connecting with the body:

Sit in a quiet place where you will not be disturbed, allowing 5-10 minutes
Begin to feel your feet on the floor (you may only be aware of a slight pressure or the flow of blood etc.)
Notice when your attention has been drawn away from the sensations in your feet
When you notice this gently let go of whatever you’ve been paying attention to.
Gently come back to noticing your feet and the sensations in that part of your body. (we are not trying to stop our thoughts, just to move our awareness to the body allowing the thoughts to continue in the background without paying attention to them.)

This sounds incredibly easy, but if you try it you will find how hard it is to stay concentrated just on the sensations of the feet. Our thoughts are very distracting and seductive; particularly when we are in a low mood or depressed state. If you practice this once or twice a day it will become easier to be aware of the negative thinking that perpetuates depression, and you will be able to quickly move away from them, and into your body. This will loosen the hold of your negative thoughts and usually our sad and hopeless feelings will begin to subside as well. Give a try.

You are more than your thoughts. Through this simple mindfulness exercise it becomes apparent that we can choose whether or not we believe negative and self-critical thoughts. Often our thoughts are simply a habitual script we learned at some point and are repeated in our minds during an associated mood or feeling state. These thoughts lose their power over us when we choose not to believe them by moving our concentrated awareness back into the body (as in the exercise above).

In the case of depression, negative or self-critical thinking can often perpetuate low moods and disturbing feelings. If we loosen the hold of our negative thinking often sad, hopeless, or despairing feelings will merely arise and pass away, rather than becoming a solid and perpetual state.

If you believe you are experiencing depression, do yourself a favor and seek out counseling. A therapist or counselor can help you learn to skillfully work with depression and re-connect to your life so your depressed feelings will lift and you can get back to living the life you want.

A researched model of treatment for depression, that works with mindfulness of the body to break through ruminative thinking patterns and relieve depression is Mindfulness-based Cognitive Therapy MBCT. I use this model of therapy (as well as other therapies) to help clients struggling with depression to regain equilibrium and feel better about themselves and their lives.

For additional resources on the depression, types of depression and treatment visit NIMH page on depression.

Warm Regards,

David

I feel afraid or anxious so what do I do? I run away from what I perceive to be the cause of it, do something to stop it, do something to distract myself from it. Maybe you have your own strategy. All of these ways of dealing with fear have one thing in common – they will perpetuate that fear.

The secret that no one tells you is that to let go of the fear and anxiety what we really need to do is turn towards it and take a good look. Perhaps we even lean into the fear.

I am not suggesting you run into to traffic if you are afraid of getting hit by a car, or jump out of a plane if you are afraid of heights. What I am suggesting is that you turn towards the feeling of fear, rather than stuffing it, burying it, eating it away, or trying to distract yourself from it with drugs, alcohol, the internet, television, pornography – or whatever your particular method is. There are probably thousands of ways to attempt to avoid anxiety and fear. And none of them work, because the more we avoid and marginalize our feelings the more they grow and control us.

Our feelings are in our bodies and when we contact the actual sensations of the fear in our physical body we begin to unwind it. As we turn the light of our awareness towards fear we can begin to get to know it in all of its intimate details. In this way, much like in anything else in life, the more we know the less fear and anxiety there is.

Most people have feeling centers that they tend to experience uncomfortable sensation in when they are reacting with fear or anxiety. Feeling centers for you may be in your chest, throat, stomach, solar plexus, etc. These feeling centers can be accessed directly and gently through our conscious intention to feel them when we are activated by a particularly fearful thought or situation. We also feel positive emotions in these areas. The question to ask when you are experiencing happiness, sadness, fear, joy, resentment, anxiety, contentment, etc. is where am I feeling this in my body?

I work with clients to directly contact and turn toward their fears in a way that is safe and progressive. One of the benefits of therapy is that a therapist offers you guidance and support in facing and exploring your fears and anxieties with the light of awareness. A counselor is also trained in working with strong and potentially overwhelming feelings. You don’t have to do it alone.

The combination of learning mindfulness skills (approaching your fear with gentleness, and non-reactivity in the present moment) and emotional support from a trusted counselor can begin to unwind even the oldest and strongest fears and anxieties you are experiencing. In this way mindfulness-based therapy can begin to transform your fear into wisdom and wounds into healing.

Quick mindfulness? Seems like an oxymoron, no? But it is true we can spend quick moments in our everyday life being mindful and it will increase our overall presence, awareness, relaxation, help to mitigate work related (or generalized) anxiety and tension and contribute to a greater sense of groundedness and well-being.

These are very quick exercises that we would engage in for only a few breaths or so to come back to our body and our present experience. I’ll be offering up more of these in future posts, but here are a few to start. I like to do these if I’m working and want a quick fix of mindfulness or am on the go…give them a try and let me know what you think.

1) Stop light meditation – when we hit a red light as we are driving around, take a moment to feel your body how it touches and seat, your feet on the floor of the car, hands on the steering wheel. Take 2-3 conscious breaths, feeling the expansion and contraction of the diaphrahgm as we breath in and out. Keeping your eyes open all the while and you can proceed with breathing and feeling the breathing until the light changes. You an then go on your way. Perhaps keeping some awareness in your body while also keeping most of your awareness outwardly focused to safely and consciously manuever your vehicle.

This would work on bike as well, or on foot if you are a pedestrian. Be creative with this.

2) Telephone Ring meditation -This was mentioned a few posts ago, but I thought I’d list it here again. I discovered quite some time ago when I worked in a high stress corporate environment that I would hold my breath and become quite tense right before I answered the phone. I was anticipating (read as thinking) about what bad news might be coming through the receiver. It was my job to manage difficult situations, so in some ways this was natural. I found that this telephone ring meditation helped me to reduce the level of tension and stress for myself and also be more present to the situation that was arising with the phone call. I felt more balanced and was more effective with my work.

Here’s the instruction for this one: When you hear the phone ring don’t reach for it immediately. Consciously take 1-2 breaths, feeling your feet on the ground, your buttocks in the chair. If you are lost in thought bring your full awareness to the breath and the sensations in your feet and buttocks. At the end of the two breaths answer the phone. You’ll know if you’ve lost track of the present moment and are operating on auto-pilot if neglect to do the breaths before answering the phone. This is a fun one to challenge yourself to do several times a day, or even every time the phone rings. Just remember to be forgiving if you don’t remember to take the space every time before a call. You will become more and more present with the practice over time.

Hope this is helpful.

Warm Regards,

David

See below for a streaming audio version of a guided mindfulness of breath awareness practice I’ve developed for my students and clients. This is also available here for download.

This is the initial practice given to beginning students of mindfulness meditation to begin to build concentration, presence and stabilize the mind. For many this is a lifelong practice. It is necessary to practice routinely to begin to feel shifts and changes in your quality of awareness.

Warm Regards,

David

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In the swirl of stimuli and the 150 mph culture that we live in we often lose track of our body. It takes both effort and intention to be in the present and one of the easiest ways to access this is through our physical body. I like to check in with myself several times a day and ask myself this question:

Where are my feet?

I then feel deeply into my feet, feeling the sensations and or numbness that is there, hot/cold, tingly, etc. Just noticing whatever is going on there. What are they in contact with? The floor? Am I sitting cross legged? What is that like? You may find that it is difficult to be in your feet for more than a few seconds…just notice this and return to the feet. Feeling our body and making a relationship with it is one of the most profound types of mindfulness practice. I find that even doing this exercise for a few seconds increases my sense of presence, mindfulness, and increases grounding and relaxation.

This is an easy way to integrate some mindfulnes practice into your everyday life and give your mind and body a brief respite from the assault of stimulation.

Be well,

David

On this eve of the new year I’ve been thinking about intention. It is the tradition for many to set resolutions for the new year, which sounds a lot like goals – it seems like a bit of a set up for self-criticism and self-judgment if we fail to meet our often lofty (but well intentioned goals for ourselves). I know it has been for me in the past.  I like to approach a big transition like the beginning of 2009 with an intention or a set of intentions.  I define intention as a continuity of attention and energy that underlie both  inner and external manifestation and change.  This is differentiated from a goal or resolution as these predict a hard and fast, usually very solid outcome.  Our intention is more of an impulse that can guide action and behavior, though we don’t know exactly what the outcome will be….

There is no way we can fail at this.  We may forget our intention sometimes, but we can renew it at any time by coming back to it over and over again.  One of my intentions for the new year is to nurture and appreciate the many relationships in my life – with friends, family, loved ones, pets, and clients.  Basically with all the wonderful people in my life who share their generosity and big spirit with me.  I’m sure there will be days where I am engrossed in some intense situation with my work or personal life and I will neglect or take for granted certain relationships.  These kinds of days and situations happen.  I will just come back to the intention again, no need for judgment or self-flagellation, just reminding myself that in each moment I am empowered to change my intention redirect my awareness and energy and influence what and how my life manifests – in this case how I approach the relationships in my life.

We can use our intention as a kind of mindfulness practice – we come back to it again and again, if we forget we eventually wake up to our intentions and begin to let them filter back into our life through our feelings and thoughts and actions.  As we find we are distracted, we wake up again and again coming back to our conscious intentions.

As an aid to remembering,  I like to write down  my intention(s) in big letters on a piece of paper and post them somewhere I will see them every day as an aid to coming back and waking up to my intentions.

May you be blessed with contentment, peace, and courage in the coming new year.