Boulder Counselor and Therapist | David Robbins, MA, LPC

Most of us at some level assume or believe that we ‘should’ feel joyful. On the other side of this we probably believe that we ‘should not’ feel fearful. I am most interested when talking about feelings or emotions, such as joy or fear, in looking at the bodily sensations that make up this feeling in the body. You might experiment with this by recalling a time when you felt joyful. Bringing this memory in all its technicolor detail into your mind. Then drop into your body, particularly paying attention to the jaw, throat, chest, stomach, pelvis and notice what sensations are occurring. For me it is expansion in the chest a freedom and looseness in the jaw and throat – that is what I notice most. What do you notice most? Identify that – this is your body’s experience of joy – this i what the mind categorizes as joy when it occurs in the body.

We can do the same with fear. Bring up a memory in which you experienced a fearful time. Again noticing the body – I feel tension in the jaw and a general sense of constriction and tension in my chest and stomach. Notice what your experience is in the body.

Our ‘normal’ or homeostatic state is most likely mid way between these two extreme poles of feeling/emotion. As dynamic beings we need to understand we may move through these sensations, but they will arise and fall away, leaving us somewhere in the middle. We can welcome both of thes states and the dynamic rising and falling, contraction and release, of bodily sensations that leads us there. We don’t really need to strive for either state and we will experience both, if we allow the full spectrum of these sensations. Giving ourselves the permission to feel both poles of emotion and to let go of striving for any idealized state is the key.

Pema Chodron, a revered teacher in the Shambhala Buddhist tradition refers to this as letting in all unwanted guests (and the wanted ones such as joy, happiness, hope, etc.) In the end it is just our experience, our life – by allowing joy we allow fear and by allowing fear we allow a full experience of joy.

A distilled message from Buddhism that is also shared by psychotherapy is that one must put your self before others. In our culture, we are spread so thin and are moving so fast, this message may seem decadent, impossible, or just plain selfish. I am writing to give you permission to give yourself something every day. I don’t mean a big mac, or a new purchase, but something that feels like love. I am suggesting time – time for exercise, time for meditation, time for therapy, time for a hot bath, time for a massage, time to prepare yourself a meal, or to write in your journal, perhaps even time to just take some deep breaths. This something that puts you back inside yourself ~ that grounds you in a state of well being, makes you feel real. The greatest gift you can give to yourself is just being with yourself, even if it is only for 5 or 10 minutes. So take some time out and put yourself first. Even a small investment in this way will pay itself forward to all of the people in your life who will profit from your increased sense of well being, in the way you interact, your attitude, your attention, and your compassion. It is impossible to have these qualities in relationship to others if we don’t first demonstrate them towards our selves.

Try it out, set aside 10 minutes a day of me time. I practice this by doing a sitting meditation every morning, no matter what is in store for me that particular day, even if it means getting up earlier or going to bed later. For me there is no compromise here, and every day is reflected in a more sane and less distorted way by this routine commitment.